Glass Half Full

I've been feeling a little bummed lately. Mainly about the same stuff I normally beat myself up about, nothing really new. I'm just down that I'm now in my late twenties and have this tiny little studio I'm crammed into. Down that I don't make more money. Down that I'm in a (in many ways great) long term relationship that has its own difficulties and compromises. Down that I'm not more outgoing and bubbly, but rather feel awkward and shy more often then I'd like.  Just the same old stuff but it still sucks. Add worry for various loved ones, for various reasons, to that list and it ends up feeling like a lot.

I don't know if this is a case of learning to just appreciate what I've got, or if it's a case of using these feelings as a kick in the ass to change my life. Both seem hard to do. The life changing one especially, since where do you start? It's not like I'm not trying already. But that's not really an attitude that will get me anywhere.

On the plus side I've got a freezer full of homemade sorbet and two purry cats.  While those two things may not contribute much towards an overall improved life plan (um, crazy cat lady, anyone) they do contribute towards an improved evening.  Maybe for now that's the best I can hope for.  Hopefully the rest will come.

Nope, still no grandkids

Is it weird that my mother is starting to hint that she wants me to have kids? And by lately I mean the last year or so. And by hint I mean tell me straight out I shouldn't wait too long and don't I want some before I'm thirty (I'm 26).

Let me add that while I'm in a committed relationship I am not married. And I'm still relatively poor - I live in a studio apartment and couldn't really afford anything bigger.

So I'm wondering what exactly the though process behind these hints is....because I'm pretty sure if I turned up pregnant, no one else would be cheering about it.

(In all fairness I do want kids before I'm thirty. But not being a magical fairy creature I can't pull money out of the sky, nor can I fast forward my relationship to a point that we're ready to have them.)  She's going to need to adopt another cat.

Explaining my absence

I haven't been writing much here lately. Operative word here, since I've been posting on associated content, on travel maharishi and on a couple other sites, all of which pay for writing. They don't pay much, but it's still frankly exciting to be able to make money from my computer at home based on my writing. Though I have gotten the comment from the editors of one site (which dropped my rating a bit) that I use too many commas. This has made me comma shy. Like, I know take out commas that I think actually do work just because I'm worried that I'll get corrected for it. This particular website bases what assignments they give you on your rating, so I want to raise it up again.

I've also been gardening  a bit.  My tomatoes shot up like weeds and then... stopped.  One of them has blossomed (just one! out of like 20!) and hopefully I'll get some tomatoes out of that one. The two plants I bought already big provided some tomatoes however.  Next summer I'll already have pots and dirt ready to go so I'll spend less and hopefully reap more.

And I'm working again, back at a job I've held in the past. I'm really liking it so far, more even than the first time around since there's so much less nervousness. I get really anxious about new jobs (something I'm working on - after all, it's just tv!) so going back to something I've held in the past and know what I'm doing in is downright relaxing.

Aside from that...well my family is crazy as ever. One family member had surgery, one refused stitches she needed due to a doctor related trauma she suffered in the past, and my dad had a baby (I almost typed midlife crisis, but that wouldn't be nice).  I generally don't mention them on my blog, but there being so actively quirky at the moment that it's filling my head. I'm in turns worried, exasperated, guilty, angry and stressed out over all of them.

I'll try to update more frequently, for myself really. It's the closest thing I have to therapy and comes easier than poorly paid articles about wedding dresses or baby showers.

Though poorly paid is still paid. Making me a paid writer. Wee!

Mish Mash

Lots to report and not much at all.  I'm loving my new job, and just hoping it keeps going well - which is all I'm going to say about it because I also read Dooce. My brother is in the hospital and has been for the past four days for a bone infection that both my father and myself told him was probably just growing pains. Go us. And his friends told him he was being wimpy for complaining about, before we knew what it was.  He should be fine however and will probably be discharged in a day or two, finally, so I'm glad he finally got the help he needed and it wasn't worse.   And he can hopefully milk this for all he's worth with his friends and teachers. He has earned it.

Then there's the fact that I'm quite annoyed with my sister for something very petty and yet I can't help being annoyed.  I've been asking her to visit me in NY for a year and a half, but she keeps playing the busy and broke card. Well, guess who went on vacation to Philadelphia.  Obviously she can go wherever she wants, but I can also be pissed about it if I want.  If she doesn't understand why being considered less important to visit then (probably, I'm guessing) a boy she barely knows, then she needs to turn her brain back on.

But anyway, I've gone this past year from not working but wanting to, working in my field but barely getting paid, working and getting paid but in a job outside my field that I was severely overqualified for, to finally working in my field in a job that I'm thrilled about.  Things with my bf are going well, though he is going through his own drama, and my family is relatively ok, bone infections aside.  So right now, life is looking pretty positive.

Hibernation

I feel like I'm getting ready for a marathon.  The holiday season is coming up and my plan of action is to finish the film I'm scheduled to work on soon, which will be six days a week of all day running around to beat the clock work, and then I want to try to get some kind of holiday store job - maybe two holiday store jobs.  My goal is still and always to find work in my field, but I need to store up some money and buy myself some more time to do that.  Catering is another good option, as it pays well and is flexible.  I've been doing a bit of that lately, and want to do more.  I really really just want to be working up to seven days a week to try to pay off my nice new computer and put some money in the bank.  I'm tired of counting all my pennies.

How is the recession, and the weak job market affecting you? I'm in an artsy field, which makes regular work hard anyway.  What are the other plan of actions out there to deal with the economy?  What are you doing for the holidays and how has that changed?

My plan is to get some kind of full time work, even if it's not in my field, and when it dies down in January go back to having more time for my own job hunt.  It is also to stay here in New York for Christmas, instead of flying down to spend it with my family. I just can't spend $400 for a few days visit, as much as I would love to.  I may visit in January instead if I can afford it. If not, oh well.  It is to spend a lot less this year on gifts, maybe even just making a big bunch of holiday cookies for some of the people on my list and wrapping them up nicely.  It is to not run up my credit card, and to put even just a little more money in the bank.

It is so hard to stay on budget during this upcoming few months - Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners alone are just so much more expensive than my regular pasta.  And I just can't give up gifts entirely. I would feel like Scrooge.  Even Halloween ends up costing a little money, either on a costume or just because I feel like I can't stay home being a hermit.

On the flip side, I will probably get to see some of my friends or at least talk to them a bit more during the holidays.  I will receive a few gifts, which even when they're small really excite and touch me.   I'll decorate a little Christmas tree and eat the fancy nice food I am worried about making. There will be leftovers for weeks, and plenty of cookies left for me.  I love Thanksgiving and Christmas - my birthday is right in there too - and I'm just hoping that money worries don't overshadow them.

So what are YOUR plans? What are you doing?  Is it ok to cut certain things out of the budget, or are certain things just too sacred to do without?

Busi-ness

So, I guess being a freelancer that I am kind of self employed (though sadly, far too often this year collecting a "paycheck" from Uncle Sam).  I've been running around like crazy lately applying for jobs, doing a bit of work, and preparing for a job in a few weeks where I am basically going to be running a film set. A small film set, and a low budget one, but still other then the director and the DP, I am IT in terms of dictator like power. Unfortunately with great power comes great responsibility, and I have been spending hours preparing for that power.  Preparation isn't paid, unfortunately, but I know that the experience will be wonderful for me and for my career, and that learning is never wasted.  Hopefully it is just one step on the ladder to Oprah like success.

Oh, and remember that cake I made? And remember my mother, who can be difficult, was visiting? Well, I had some cake left and wanted her to try it. I'm not sure why.

Mom: I tried your cake.
Me: Oh, did you like it?
Mom: It was hard. (Long pause, then grudgingly) Good if you dip [it in coffee].

Ah, just what every chef wants to hear.  I have my apartment back to myself though, and my cats are joyfully sniffing my feet, and there is just a little bit of that hard cake left for me, so life is good.

I'm Back!

Best Friend has left the state (boo) so after a weekend full of running around spending too much money, we are back to our regularly scheduled programming. I had a great time with her, and I hope she had a great time too.  As I spent Saturday working, and Sunday and Monday sniffing with a cold, I'm hoping that she was still able to get what she needed out of this vacation.  She took about a million pictures, so I'll post a couple once I get them, including some of our lovely champagne brunch on Sunday. MMM, nachos and alcohol before noon. Decadence.

I have also made my yearly pilgrimage to a house of worship, thereby hopefully insuring that if there is an afterlife, I make it in. If that is the case, I extend my thanks to Best Friend, as most of these pilgrimages are with her.  If that is not, well, churches are pretty. So good either way.

Next on the agenda: Mom's visit.

My mother and I frequently do not get along, so I'm frankly nervous about how we'll deal with each other on such close quarters without someone blowing up.  Even phone calls are kept to under five minutes usually. My little brother (who is wonderful and sweet) is coming along with her and they are all staying with me. So there will be three people and two cats in a little studio the size of a bedroom, with a bathroom that doesn't have a lock.  I'm not optimistic.  Does anyone out there have tips for dealing with difficult family members?

Into the Universe

I'm sending love out to my lovely lovely best friend, knowing this is just a bump in the road.

The Great American (Italian) Pizza-off

As promised, I present to you the pizza-off, a result of far too much sibling rivalry.  My brother and I got right to work trying to out-cook each other when we got back from a full day of touristing around NYC (yes, I'm using it as a verb. Don't know or care if that's actually done).  My brother's girlfriend is operating as assistant and judge.

Below: us toiling away in the kitchen.

We made two pizzas each. My first one was a classic potato pizza, no sauce, seasoned only with rosemary and salt.  

I added some mushrooms and cheese to the far corner of it, and then popped it into the oven.

My brother decided to go with a thin crust cheese and mushroom pizza as his opener.  We got a picture of it pre-mushroom. We also got a picture of it post-mushroom but he's pretending to lick it so I decided to spare you.

Not to be outdone, I created a thin crust mushroom pizza of my own.  After all, I needed to clearly demonstrate that my pizza was far, far superior to his and what better way to do that then to create a better version of the same pizza?  We have a very healthy relationship.  He is helping me photograph my rolled out dough below.

I got another photo right before it went into the oven.  I added some potatoes to one corner, and used the last of some (possibly already expired) goat cheese in the middle of it.  

Right about the time my 2nd pizza went in, my brother's pizza was ready to be taken out and eaten.  So we did.

It was good. I was nervous.

Both of my pizzas were ready to sample at that point too.  I threw a piece of thick crust potato mushroom and thin crust mushroom on each plate.  

While the thick crust pizza is juicy and rich (and is compared both to quiche and shepherd's pie by my brother and gf), it is declared too un-pizza like, and the real test rests in the thin crust.  For fairness' sake, you can see below a side by side comparison of both of our thin crusts. Mine is the slightly crispier looking one on the left.

They are both delicious.  We are all in an agony of indecision.  What to do now? Hey, my brother still has to make his second pizza.  Chocolate pizza! Heart shaped chocolate pizza. This is inspired by our visit to Chocolate By The Bald Man a couple days ago. His girlfriend helped to carefully place each marshmallow on top of the pizza, using the utmost self control in the process. Below are the raw and cooked pictures. There are also some peanut M&Ms in the corner.

After we eat this, we all die.  We are dead.  For the sake of being able to record this for posterity I choose to run away from the light and re-enter my body.  The chocolate pizza was amazing.  Really good.  

But none of that brings us any closer to declaring a winner in the pizza-off.  On the basis that the final pizza, however good, is just as un-pizza like as my thick crust, I am declaring a tie.  My brother's thin crust was cheesy deliciousness, while mine tasted a little bit more of crispy olive oil and was just as good in a subtly different way.  Each of our 2nd efforts were totally different but still eagerly appreciated by all.  I guess we'll just need a rematch next time he visits.  I'll be ready for him.

Seafood Pasta on the cheap

My brother is visiting and so I decided to go all out and actually spend more than $.50 on dinner.  I was able to make a kick ass seafood pasta for around $10.  I cooked some baby octupus, shrimp and scallops in onion and garlic and then added some canned tomato later on in the process.  Since I was making myself a Lemondrop (well, I made my brother mix it for me) I also splashed in some lemon juice.  The usual herbs (basil, thyme, salt, pepper) were thrown in, as well as some olive oil.  And tada!

Beautiful pasta! 

And also notice that I was able to take that photo with the built in camera on my new Macbook.  There will be many more laptop pictures in this blog's future.  I also garnished the plate with a little basil, just to make it pretty for all of you.

One more. 

Notice in the background where there's flour on the counter from my home made bread.  Yes, I do rock, thanks.  Next up: Pizza-off with my brother. He is under the delusion that his pizza will be better than mine. Pictures will be provided.  

Health Insurance Rant

I believe we should have a state/government run health insurance program for EVERYONE in this country. This is what I believe, though I know many people are horrified at the thought.

When the show I worked on went on haitus a few months ago I was briefly left without health insurance, as I could not afford to pay for Cobra. When the stimulus plan kicked in suddenly it became affordable for me, though still my biggest expense other than rent and student loan bills. It was really scary not being covered, because I knew that one minor illness or accident, one hospital or even maybe a doctor's visit, would leave me in debt for years. I don't make a lot of money right now. Hopefully one day I will, but right now I am getting by by budgeting carefully and hoping that nothing goes wrong. Many people are.

I had a family member pass away from cancer a few years ago. It's a devestating disease. Due to the fact he lived in Europe his family was not left with crippling debt or bankruptcy on top of the loss of their loved one. When people get very sick here, they better be covered and they better stay covered because otherwise not only will they be in debt for the rest of their lives, they risk running out of money to even get treated at all, or they get subpar treatment.

And if they recover, if they then lose their coverage for whatever reason good luck ever getting covered again- insurance companies don't want to touch people with a history of serious illness with a ten foot stick. You'd better hope you stay healthy forever!

Add this to the fact that though public education is free (which it should be, by the way) but that if you are sick you're on your own and the system seems really fucked up. One day, down the line, if I have kids, I can teach them to read and teach them history, etc, if I have to. There are books out there to teach ME what I need to teach them. People homeschool all the time.

I cannot learn to administer chemo from a book if someone I love gets sick. I cannot learn to do a triple bypass or how to create antibiotics in my kitchen.

As much as I think free public education is important, I think free healthcare (well, not free, but public since nothing in this world is free) is more important by far. If I had to choose for my family, I would choose health care every time. If you are well enough off your kids probably go to private schools and have private healthcare anyway. If you are not rich, the state should provide both. But you can't fix dead. You can teach someone to read or whatever at any point but you can't bring them back if they die from lack of care.

So why does everyone basically agree that education is a divine right in this country but healthcare isn't? Why are some conservatives horrified at the thought of a government run program? I'm not saying education is not important. I think it's critical. I think without it we would collapse back into the dark ages. I would fight for it to the end. But do people not feel the same way about health care? Why is that somehow our own problem?

I was just at a website that has a lot more facts and data than I do, and it is worth reading about, but do we really need a ton of statistics to understand this? Isn't it common sense?

Happy Father's Day

Since my dad is terrible at picking up the phone I'm just going to throw it out to the universe : Happy Father's Day!