Tuesday, September 10, 2019

The More Things Change...

Time for my annual update (just kidding...kind of)! It's funny, I feel like I've come such a long way the past couple of years - geographically, financially, with my personal life - and yet, some things haven't changed at all.

Though I'm able to charge more than I did, and work has become more steady, I still freelance, and therefore still deal with periods of unemployment and constant job hunting.  I now have more in savings, but also much higher expenses and obligations. These include happy expenses, like a nicer rental home and improvements on my investment property, as well as slightly less enjoyable expenses that include egg freezing and ultrasounds after some out-of-the-blue negative news about my fertility. Though, duh, I'm not as young as I once was, so maybe I shouldn't be so surprised.

And of course, I'm now an LA resident with a lovely LA boyfriend. Creeping up on three years together, and I still like his stupid cute face and his hugs and his goofy jokes.

So overall, I know I'm very lucky. I do feel it. I do appreciate it. There's still a lot of restlessness, though, as well. A lot of uncertainty about the future, and what comes next.  I'm creeping up on middle age, somehow, insanely. I'm 35. I don't feel it. I still feel 25. At least I finally don't feel 15.

Is it just me? I know that I used to think 35 was ANCIENT. I was just going into middle school when my parents were that age, and I thought they were definitely old. And yet, I do not feel old at all. I'm still figuring so much out. I don't have kids yet. I don't live in a house I own yet. Never been married. Doing better work-wise, but still so much I want to accomplish.

So is it perception or reality? DID my parents have it so much more figured out at my age? Or was I a dumb kid with no idea of how young and confused my parents still were? Maybe still are now? Or am I just some sort of immature avocado-toast-eating millennial who is refusing to grow up? I don't even know. I look at my friends and I don't think I'm doing so much worse than they are, so if it's me then maybe it's all of us. Maybe we have it harder. Maybe we're just softer.  Maybe every generation is actually the same, and I'm just too far into it to be able to notice yet. I guess if I live long enough, I'll figure it out.

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