Packing

Right now I feel like I say too much and too little at once. The things that eat at me aren't my things to talk about or share, but they hurt anyway. And when something slips out I immediately feel like I've said too much. Like saying anything is a betrayal.

This isn't even about one thing. This is about when I talk about any of the things in my life that involve other people. Everything. What else is life? And yet I'm not a naturally private person I don't think. When I'm upset, or thinking, or processing I like to talk it out with friends. And yet often by talking I say too much about things that are not mine to tell. And even when I manage to hold back I feel guilty about wanting to talk. And when I talk around a subject or take a stand without being able to explain why I feel like I'm just being an argumentative bitch for no reason.

Anyway. None of this makes sense. I'm not really saying anything clearly. But as soon as I post it I'll feel like I've said too much. As usual, again.

Pulled the trigger

Well, I've done it. I've found the holy grail of New York living: an affordable, rent stabilized apartment. And I've moved into it.

See below for a window to window comparison:

After, in my (as yet packed up) one bedroom

Before, in my small basement studio

Those windows say a lot. Everything is bigger. Everything is brighter. And I'm still trying to get used to it; it feels too big right now. I've basically been existing in the living room on the (new) couch while the bedroom wallows in boxes. I've visited the kitchen, and even spent a morning there (Thanksgiving) but it is as yet a separate island. 

Eventually things will be unpacked and it will feel like home, but in the meantime, despite the sense of displacement, I'm enjoying having much more space.  I am worried about how I will change lightbulbs though. No joke, but even on a chair I can't reach the ceiling. I'm going to have to go for the expensive bulbs here so that they last longer, and I foresee changing them to be a furniture moving adventure. 

Also, if anyone wanders into this corner of the blogosphere who happens to have clever ideas of how to turn 1 electrical outlet in the living room and 1 in the bedroom into enough for an entire house, feel free to share. There are no plugs in the bathroom, and none visible in the kitchen (presumably there's one behind the fridge). Pre-war indeed.

As I get things together I may once again actually (gasp) post a recipe or two. Or photograph my attempt to highlight the very pretty picture frame molding that the apartment came with. Right now everything is painted the same off white/cream color so they don't stand out at all, but once I get myself in order that will change. 

In other news, right around when the apartment thing was coming together my 5-year relationship was sputtering to a stop. So that might also be contributing to the couch living. It's strange but it's always when there's the most chaos and disorder in my life that this particular relationship felt the most vulnerable.  Or maybe that's not strange at all; I guess that's how it goes. So that's happening and I'm kind of stepping back and trying to deal with it little by little. 

More pictures will be forthcoming when things are unpacked.  I will then be able to gloat more affectively about what a deal I've gotten.

Glass Half Full

I've been feeling a little bummed lately. Mainly about the same stuff I normally beat myself up about, nothing really new. I'm just down that I'm now in my late twenties and have this tiny little studio I'm crammed into. Down that I don't make more money. Down that I'm in a (in many ways great) long term relationship that has its own difficulties and compromises. Down that I'm not more outgoing and bubbly, but rather feel awkward and shy more often then I'd like.  Just the same old stuff but it still sucks. Add worry for various loved ones, for various reasons, to that list and it ends up feeling like a lot.

I don't know if this is a case of learning to just appreciate what I've got, or if it's a case of using these feelings as a kick in the ass to change my life. Both seem hard to do. The life changing one especially, since where do you start? It's not like I'm not trying already. But that's not really an attitude that will get me anywhere.

On the plus side I've got a freezer full of homemade sorbet and two purry cats.  While those two things may not contribute much towards an overall improved life plan (um, crazy cat lady, anyone) they do contribute towards an improved evening.  Maybe for now that's the best I can hope for.  Hopefully the rest will come.

Explaining my absence

I haven't been writing much here lately. Operative word here, since I've been posting on associated content, on travel maharishi and on a couple other sites, all of which pay for writing. They don't pay much, but it's still frankly exciting to be able to make money from my computer at home based on my writing. Though I have gotten the comment from the editors of one site (which dropped my rating a bit) that I use too many commas. This has made me comma shy. Like, I know take out commas that I think actually do work just because I'm worried that I'll get corrected for it. This particular website bases what assignments they give you on your rating, so I want to raise it up again.

I've also been gardening  a bit.  My tomatoes shot up like weeds and then... stopped.  One of them has blossomed (just one! out of like 20!) and hopefully I'll get some tomatoes out of that one. The two plants I bought already big provided some tomatoes however.  Next summer I'll already have pots and dirt ready to go so I'll spend less and hopefully reap more.

And I'm working again, back at a job I've held in the past. I'm really liking it so far, more even than the first time around since there's so much less nervousness. I get really anxious about new jobs (something I'm working on - after all, it's just tv!) so going back to something I've held in the past and know what I'm doing in is downright relaxing.

Aside from that...well my family is crazy as ever. One family member had surgery, one refused stitches she needed due to a doctor related trauma she suffered in the past, and my dad had a baby (I almost typed midlife crisis, but that wouldn't be nice).  I generally don't mention them on my blog, but there being so actively quirky at the moment that it's filling my head. I'm in turns worried, exasperated, guilty, angry and stressed out over all of them.

I'll try to update more frequently, for myself really. It's the closest thing I have to therapy and comes easier than poorly paid articles about wedding dresses or baby showers.

Though poorly paid is still paid. Making me a paid writer. Wee!

Mission Accomplish - Tomatoes on the Horizon

Do other people not know what they should capitalize in these titles? Is it just me?

Anyway.

I managed to actually get out and buy gardening supplies and I successfully planted tomatoes, basil and forget-me-not seeds this weekend (in pots, in case you were curious. I can't afford a yard).  Tomatoes and basil are my annual summer staples, but I just couldn't resist the forget-me-nots. I think they're the sweetest flower around and if it wasn't morbid I'd say I wanted them planted on my grave one day.  Which I'm not saying because I'm not morbid, but if I WAS...

Hopefully, unlike previous years, the tomatoes and basil will actually grow and flourish and I might make back some of my investment in nice dinners.  Either way, I love how both plants smell.  They remind me of my childhood and my grandfather's wonderful garden.  Every year I try to emulate and live up to that garden in my own little way, and I think if I live to be 90 the smell of fresh tomatoes will remind me of my grandfather.

I'll post pictures once things start sprouting.  This year they will grow, I feel it...

Goals

Last year was a long, depressing bastard of a year overall.  Not that it was all bad at all, and in fact I think a lot of the foundations I tried to build career wise will end up helping me avoid another such year.  This year  is so far shaping up to be better (knock on wood. A lot of wood).  I'm trying to keep my goals simple though, so as to not set myself up for disapointment.  SO. Only three months late here are my goals for 2010:

1. Work more then last year. 

2. Make more money working then last year. Not quite the same thing as 1.

3.  Try to sort out my personal life so it isn't so up and down.

4. Be neater and cleaner - I'm too old for my apartment to look like a freshman dorm.

5. Don't let my family's craziness get to me.  Seriously.  

6. Learn to listen better and not assume mid-sentence that I know what someone is about to say and interrupt to agree or disagree. A really bad habit of mine.  I've been trying, but this one is hard to break.

7. Visit Italy before my family there forgets what I look like.  My grandfather is also in his 90s now, but I don't even want to think that I might not see him again.  

8. Save some money.

9. Make some new friends and become better about keeping the old. 

Those are my goals, but we'll see...I think they're realistic so I hope by the end of the year I'll be able to say I've made progress on all of them.

Memories

I've always been someone who gets attached to objects, sometimes overly so.  I've carted boxes of books, trinkets and furniture across the country in a minivan, packed so tights that my cats were stacked in their carriers in between the front seats.  I hold onto things I no longer need because I can still remember the moment when those things were new - it's hard for me to view it as junk.

One of the things I dragged with me on my move from Florida was a delicate little glass vase, filled with smooth white stones and a small posy of fake lavender. Sometimes the lavender gets replaced with a real flower, but even when I don't have fresh flowers in the house that dainty little vase brightens it up.

It's probably not really anything special to look at for anyone but me, but I love that vase. I got it in Germany during my graduation trip with my dad to the World Cup.  It was a once in a lifetime trip and I was excited and pretty pleased with myself for being there. I had just gotten my first job, right out of school, in a company I had been interning for and I was feeling optimistic and happy about my future and my present.  Walking along sightseeing I saw it displayed in the glass front of a store, along with other colorful housewares and glass jewelry.  It looked so sweet and fresh that I went in and bought it, stones, fake flowers and all.  I wanted it immediately, even though packing a delicate glass vase into a suitcase already crammed full isn't either easy or practical. It's made it across an ocean and later across a country.  I wanted to be the kind of person that had those kind of things; to be just as sweet and fresh and clean as that vase looked to me.

This morning I was rocketed out of bed by the sound of breaking glass. One of my cats, who loves to touch everything with her paws and takes advantage of night time to go where she shouldn't, had knocked it off the shelf it was resting on.  The vase was shattered and the pretty river rocks were scattered across my floor.

It was just a vase.  But still, looking at those pieces of glass, which reminded me of the shiny bright store in Germany when my future looked at that moment just as shiny and bright, I couldn't help but cry.  It was just a vase but I loved that vase and the hope I was feeling when I bought it.

I think that hope will come again. I'm not meant to be a waitress for life; I know that.  And I am doing other things now, things that will hopefully build a scaffolding to future paid work.  I've got a college degree and have always been praised for being "a smart girl." And not just from my mother, though she led the chorus.  There is more waiting for me out there once I get past the rough patch right now - in fact things are already getting busier and I think (!!) that they might be better soon. But still, right now in this moment I don't feel like I did when I was right out of school, a job under my belt, traveling in Europe.  And looking at the pieces of that vase made me feel for that moment the chasm separating when I felt then and how I feel now.

Optimism

I'm staring at the screen smiling right now.  You know, in case you were curious. No, I haven't found the job of my dreams or won the lottery or anything, but today seems much more manageable then yesterday. I bit the bullet and applied for a night shift at a 24 hour diner, so that I can still look for work during the day. I'm supposed to go in tomorrow for them to check me out, so wish me the best. I also have another interview tomorrow for a job handing out surveys on a street corner - again, not exactly  the same level as being hired by, say, HBO but at least it would be two weeks of steady money.  We're trying to shoot a few more scenes of a film I am working on later this week so that will be some work too, though not much.

I hope by writing about these interviews I haven't jinxed them, but having my day start out with two potential job nibbles has brightened everything.  Being unemployed, or even underemployed, starts to really really drain your optimism and your self esteem after a while.  It doesn't take much for me for it to all bounce back - I'm a basically happy person with a fairly stable sense of self worth. But after months of only working a few days here and there and counting pennies, even my generally annoyingly cheerful attitude dims down a few notches.

So we'll see how it goes tomorrow.  I'll either be back to being a Pollyanna or continue on with my teenage sulk phase.

Digging my way out

I'm in a rut. This is largely due to having too much time and not enough money - in short, since I'm freelancing I have large chunks of time when I don't have any work to do, and therefore no money coming in.  Since I don't have money to spend I end up home on the computer all day.  This isn't healthy and it isn't productive.  I job hunt every day, but let's be serious - applying to jobs only takes an hour, max, if that.  After that, the rest of the day just looms up.  I'm sleeping too much, online too much, sitting too much, just generally wasting my life right now.

What I've been saying I'm going to do, and what I need to do, is find myself a night job or some kind of part time job so even when I don't have film or tv stuff happening, I still have a reason to leave the house.  It will also alleviate the money stress a lot, since when I don't have film stuff happening I've been falling back on UE income, which I'm almost out of (since I didn't live in NY originally when I applied for it, and applied as an out of state worker, I'm not eligible for most of the extensions).  This has been really stressing me out. I HATE that I'm 26 and don't have a reliable source of income, can't afford to go out, can't buy myself the occasional treat, and am just generally broke and discouraged.

I've been applying religiously to jobs, but I think that I need to switch things up. Just find some kind of income producing job. It doesn't mean I give up or that I can't still try to find the perfect  job, but if I have to waitress somewhere for a few months it's not the end of the world. It does feel a bit like failure, but I know I need to do it.

That being said, I've actually tried to get waitressing jobs before (though I could probably try harder).  It's not actually that easy right now either. The recession has hit the restaurant industry hard, but I really don't want to work retail - I'm horrible at earning commission and those jobs pay terribly.  I don't know that I could even make my bills on a retail job salary.  Not that those jobs are falling out of trees either. Catering is great, but really unreliable and even working for (now) three companies, I only get a couple days a month usually.

So basically, I'm at a point where even getting a restaurant job is seeming like an insurmountable challenge.

So I'm in a rut. Now I just need to find a way out.

Self pity

I actually planned my Farmville crops around a job I thought I was going to have tomorrow.  This is sad just on its own because it means I spend far too much time online (not that I'm judging anyone reading this. I love you. Keep coming back).  This is made sadder by the fact that I am no longer working tomorrow, though thankfully still working the next day.  I am feeling a little self pitying at the moment - while I've found work this past year to some extent, I have not worked as much as I would have liked to and things have been financially tight basically this whole year.  Like really tight. I'm tired of being on and off unemployment.  I'd love to land a feature or a tv show (or even a long short!) and get a couple solid months of financial security this coming year. I'd love to actually crack $30,000 - TMI, but I have yet to do that and I'm three years out of school now.

Not that my life sucks or anything. The good thing is I get to spend time with my bf's family tomorrow, maybe, and almost certainly to spend time with bf himself.  The good thing is I'm still working the day after, though I wish I could spend New Year's with my bf instead of with strangers. The good thing is that I have food and shelter and clothing and pretty new bags (shout out to my fashion savvy friend for her awesome gift).

There's a lot of good things this year.  I'm hoping next year my family and friends continue to be safe and happy, but frankly, I'm also hoping for a little bit more money. I'm hoping for health insurance.  I'm hoping for a career I can brag, just a little bit, about.  I'm smart and hardworking (does anyone else do the SNL self help skit voice when praising themselves? Is it just me?) and I deserve it. I'm hoping to one day be able to have enough money that I can have kids and afford them, that I can have a nice apartment and afford it, and that I can take the odd little vacation and (say it with me) afford it.  My grandfather in Italy is 92, for god's sake, and if I don't get over there soon I'm going to really regret it.

Anyway, that's it for the self pity for now. Every now and then I just need to get it out. There's a million people out there worse off and I doubt that I'll end up on the streets, no matter how bad it gets.  That's what a loving family and friend network gets you. Still, any good vibes sent my way wouldn't be taken amiss.

Birthday!

It's my birthday today and I am torn between a small bit of sadness that I have not yet accomplished what I thought I would at this age (career wise, family wise, money wise) and excitement because, let's face it, birthdays are awesome.  I'm 26 today, in case anyone was wondering.  I don't want to become one of those people who dread their birthdays.  They always seemed a bit ridiculous to me - like, what's not to love about presents and cake?

I just hope this year  I can take some of those big steps towards having a really established career and put some money away in the bank.  My bf and I have talked about wanting to try to buy a little apartment for ourselves in the next few years, and that would be really nice too.  I'd love, by the time I'm 30, for things to be more settled. And maybe even a kid by then - I don't want one RIGHT now, but I don't want to be in the older maternal age catagory by the time I have kids either.  Everything else aside, it's not looking like I'll have a ton of money for fertility treatments if I go the celebrity route and wait until 40. And career. Oh career.  I hope I end up with a good one.

HowEVER, actually, the main thing is the cake and presents today.  No more deep thoughts.  I already have gotten some awesome gifts from my boyfriend.  He got me a bunch of clothing from United Colors of Benetton and I feel very pretty in them.  The cake is yet to come, and I look forward to it.

And then, Thanksgiving, which I always love because I am a glutton.  I'll let you guys know how that goes.

Overkill

I've already posted today, and don't actually have much more to say, but as I've descended into a really bad mood I wanted to share that and maybe therefore dispel it.  Nothing majorly bad has happened or anything, it's more like a million little mosquitos nibbling on my feet.  What I need to do now is go read the news and then be grateful that my life is better than all of the poor people that have real problems.  That would be the productive thing to do. What I'll probably actually do is read celebrity gossip and stew for a bit longer. 

Kindness of Strangers

It is so nice to hear a story like this where strangers actually step up and help, rather then turn and run the other way as if they themselves are actually the ones on fire. I think we've all gotten used to hearing stories of cars driving around injured people without stopping to help, and as a woman I've certainly heard it's better to yell "fire" rather than "rape" because people are too selfish/scared to help a rape victim. This story actually made me tear up a little because 1. It has a happy ending and 2. These people risked themselves to help and they didn't have to.

Love

My boyfriend is wonderful. I just had a full on quarter life self esteem crisis, high pitched shrill speed talking included. This is mostly relating to the fact I thought I would be rich and famous and artistically respected (well, maybe not quite all that but you know) by now, and he talked me down from the ledge, figuratively speaking. He first tried to fix the problem, which did not work AT ALL, but then he wised up and just said soothing nice things towards me and that worked much better and now I feel ok. So yay for nice boyfriends. Love you honey!

Dreams

I wish I could write. Not like, put words together in a way that makes sense write, but tell a story write. I have always really loved to read and thought that it would somehow translate as I got older into writing, but it hasn't. When I read interviews by authors they talk about how they always had this overwhelming urge to write, how they wrote stories for themselves way before they were ever published authors. I have an urge to read basically all the time but I do not sit and scribble stories in a notebook for myself and never have. I wrote plenty of papers for school and think I am decent at it, but I just don't really have that urge to write when there isn't a deadline or a grade attached to it. Nevertheless I hope that one day that author thing will strike me and that need and ability to create worlds and characters will appear. I would love nothing better than at the end of my life to know that I wrote a few books that people enjoyed reading, that I made a few movies that they enjoyed watching and that maybe one of those things made some kind of positive difference along the way.

Sulk

This blog would be better with pictures. I want a camera.

Casting Couch

Whatever happens with the project I'm working on going forward, I'm glad I now have experience casting. I spent the last couple of days explaining over and over to actors (while my voice slowly gave out) what the project is about and answering all their questions. We pitched the film more to them then they pitched themselves to us. I hope the producer found it helpful and we end up actually using some of them in the film. I think we will. In the meantime everyone just cross your fingers that we get financing - the film is on hold until we do.

Which means I am once again looking for another project to pay me.

I don't know what the normal career progression for someone doing film is, or if there is one, but I wonder sometimes if I am missing some crucial element. I have been out of film school for three years now and am still waiting for that magical moment where when one job ends another is lined up to go. It seems like each job involves a torturous amount of resume sending and applying, and there is far too much time in between them. I know plenty of other people in my position but it still gets really frustrating after a while. It does however give me a great deal of time to hone my cooking and tv watching skills. Valuable.

Feminism

I was just on Momversation and they had a post up about Feminism, asking whether we considered ourselves feminists. I definitely do.

I am a proud feminist.

Contrary to the stereotype I don't see it as trying to be better than men or fighting them,but just demanding to be seen as equal. Equal pay, equal protection, equal responsibilities. Makes sense right? Paying a woman less than a man, or denying a woman a job because of her gender are and definitely should be illegal, but I know it still happens. On the other hand, I don't think ex-wives getting huge alimony payments for the rest of their lives to be particular feminist (but then I don't think it's fair when it goes the other way either [Kevin Federline!]).

If there's ever a draft again I think women should be drafted under the same criteria as men, unless they have a very young child that they are still nursing. Probably parents of young children should be exempt in general actually. When child custody is decided each parent should get equal time unless there is a valid reason. I think adults should have to take care of themselves. I think women are just as capable as men and I truly don't understand how it can be argued otherwise. That's my take on feminism. We don't need to be coddled, but neither should we be targeted because of our sex.

Anyway, there's a whole intersting discussion going on at Momversation but I had enough to say that I wanted to post it here.