Sunday, September 21, 2014

Saving Like A Grown Up

I frequently bemoan being an adult, and all it entails. Not only do I have to do unfun things like pay bills and do laundry, being grownup means that any chance I have of being a child prodigy is now really officially over.

So. Lacking prodigy or millionaire status, my goals now are slightly more modest. My latest one is trying to afford to buy a place before I'm 90.  Of course, as soon as I decided to make that a priority I also started spending money like there was no tomorrow. I'm sure there's some sort of psychological reason, but there you go.

However, I have taken a few solid steps. I've spoken to a lender and a real estate agent. The lender is reassuring and positive. The real estate agent thinks I'm entirely too optimistic about what I can get for my money and that I should come down to earth, it begin a seller's market.  It's a somewhat irritating attitude to deal with when searching for a home, but probably helpful in the long run.

I do wonder how other freelancers managed to buy a home. It's harder to get a loan, harder to anticipate earnings, and harder still to know whether throwing all my savings into one investment is prudent or crazy.  Maybe I should just direct my energies toward inventing a time machine and going back to become a prodigy after all.

Anyway, here are some steps I'm taking to save money:

- Nurse my drinks like a broke college student.
- Pack lunch or eat cheap.
- Put off buying a new pair of shoes. Even though my old pair is fugly as hell at this point.
- Do my best to win my football fantasy league (this is a legit step, right?).

Aaaaand, here are the ways I'm sabotaging myself:

- weekend trips to visit friends in other states
- forgetting to pack lunch. Often.
- Being overly generous with my drink/shot buying.
- Buying summer clothing now that the weather is turning cold, just because they're on sale.  Though that equals future savings, so really, financially prudent.
- And the big one. Not actively canceling my old health insurance after getting a new one, therefore costing myself a shit load of extra money. UGH! Kicking myself for this one.

I need to put myself on an allowance.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Online Dating Shorthand

Ok. So I signed up for some online dating, since the only people I see regularly in my real life are coworkers and my cats. And occasionally friends, but they don't fit this particular narrative so whatever.  And there are some photos that just immediately raise red flags or at least, less alarmingly, kind of inform (cough:warn) me about the person they belong to.

Much like how homes described as "cozy" actually mean "tiny," or "charming" means "hasn't been updated in 20 years," I've come up with a little online dating pictorial cheat sheet below.  I'm sure I've missed some, but these are definitely a few of the repeat offenders.

Baseball caps = balding. It always means balding.

Selfies (exclusively or mainly) = No friends. Also creepy.

No pictures with a full face visible = married and cheating. Or a serial killer.

Multiple shirtless photos = Just wants sex.

Multiple shirtless selfies = Really just wants sex, and has a higher opinion of himself than he should.

Photos that look like head shots = They ARE head shots, and this person is a starving artist. Probably caters or bartends. (no judgment)

Brooding or scowling photos = Look how tough and serious I am. Hint: Super tough. Super serious. (BTW, will never ever agree to a date with someone who can't even manage to smile for one goddamned profile picture).

Black and White photos = Self diagnosed sensitive, artistic type. Probably works in an office doing accounting.   These are a good counterpoint to the in-color brooding photos.  Both types probably take themselves too seriously.

Florescent lit office selfies = REALLY has no friends. Socially awkward. I mean, are you even TRYING? This is why you're dating online.

All group shots or photos taken from very far away (i.e. standing on top of a mountain) = Low self esteem about his looks.  Or is just that fucking oblivious as to how online dating works. I AM SHALLOW! LET ME SEE YOUR FACE!