I'm about to head out to the airport, and I'm hoping this stomach bug I've been fighting decides to cooperate. I have visions of airport security swooping in to kick me off the flight (they can do that if you're sick, I think). This might be an unrealistic fear, but it's my fear. I'm owning it :-).
At first I thought I had finally given myself food poisoning and the thought was like bitter, bitter ashes in my mouth. I pride myself, and brag unduly, about my stomach being able to handle everything. Well, yesterday I feared that everything didn't include Thursday's pasta, as I slowly progressed from nausea to dry heaving to throwing up. At work. In a restaurant. No, they didn't send me home. It would in fact be totally deserved if I did get food poisoning, if only due to the amount of boasting I do about not ever getting it.
I ended up calling out sick today, since I still felt crappy. I'm hoping this doesn't get me in trouble, since I'm so new, but who wants a pukey waitress? Seriously? And it's not like my last few tables of the night got good service anyway. I had the energy of a slug. One covered in salt. It's hard to be perky and upbeat when you're trying not to throw up on the customers. However, they all knew I had a flight today so I hope they don't think I'm exaggerating my illness due to my flight. I guess we'll see. I think they like me, and I really was sick, so I'm going to try to be optimistic.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Memories
I've always been someone who gets attached to objects, sometimes overly so. I've carted boxes of books, trinkets and furniture across the country in a minivan, packed so tights that my cats were stacked in their carriers in between the front seats. I hold onto things I no longer need because I can still remember the moment when those things were new - it's hard for me to view it as junk.
One of the things I dragged with me on my move from Florida was a delicate little glass vase, filled with smooth white stones and a small posy of fake lavender. Sometimes the lavender gets replaced with a real flower, but even when I don't have fresh flowers in the house that dainty little vase brightens it up.
It's probably not really anything special to look at for anyone but me, but I love that vase. I got it in Germany during my graduation trip with my dad to the World Cup. It was a once in a lifetime trip and I was excited and pretty pleased with myself for being there. I had just gotten my first job, right out of school, in a company I had been interning for and I was feeling optimistic and happy about my future and my present. Walking along sightseeing I saw it displayed in the glass front of a store, along with other colorful housewares and glass jewelry. It looked so sweet and fresh that I went in and bought it, stones, fake flowers and all. I wanted it immediately, even though packing a delicate glass vase into a suitcase already crammed full isn't either easy or practical. It's made it across an ocean and later across a country. I wanted to be the kind of person that had those kind of things; to be just as sweet and fresh and clean as that vase looked to me.
This morning I was rocketed out of bed by the sound of breaking glass. One of my cats, who loves to touch everything with her paws and takes advantage of night time to go where she shouldn't, had knocked it off the shelf it was resting on. The vase was shattered and the pretty river rocks were scattered across my floor.
It was just a vase. But still, looking at those pieces of glass, which reminded me of the shiny bright store in Germany when my future looked at that moment just as shiny and bright, I couldn't help but cry. It was just a vase but I loved that vase and the hope I was feeling when I bought it.
I think that hope will come again. I'm not meant to be a waitress for life; I know that. And I am doing other things now, things that will hopefully build a scaffolding to future paid work. I've got a college degree and have always been praised for being "a smart girl." And not just from my mother, though she led the chorus. There is more waiting for me out there once I get past the rough patch right now - in fact things are already getting busier and I think (!!) that they might be better soon. But still, right now in this moment I don't feel like I did when I was right out of school, a job under my belt, traveling in Europe. And looking at the pieces of that vase made me feel for that moment the chasm separating when I felt then and how I feel now.
One of the things I dragged with me on my move from Florida was a delicate little glass vase, filled with smooth white stones and a small posy of fake lavender. Sometimes the lavender gets replaced with a real flower, but even when I don't have fresh flowers in the house that dainty little vase brightens it up.
It's probably not really anything special to look at for anyone but me, but I love that vase. I got it in Germany during my graduation trip with my dad to the World Cup. It was a once in a lifetime trip and I was excited and pretty pleased with myself for being there. I had just gotten my first job, right out of school, in a company I had been interning for and I was feeling optimistic and happy about my future and my present. Walking along sightseeing I saw it displayed in the glass front of a store, along with other colorful housewares and glass jewelry. It looked so sweet and fresh that I went in and bought it, stones, fake flowers and all. I wanted it immediately, even though packing a delicate glass vase into a suitcase already crammed full isn't either easy or practical. It's made it across an ocean and later across a country. I wanted to be the kind of person that had those kind of things; to be just as sweet and fresh and clean as that vase looked to me.
This morning I was rocketed out of bed by the sound of breaking glass. One of my cats, who loves to touch everything with her paws and takes advantage of night time to go where she shouldn't, had knocked it off the shelf it was resting on. The vase was shattered and the pretty river rocks were scattered across my floor.
It was just a vase. But still, looking at those pieces of glass, which reminded me of the shiny bright store in Germany when my future looked at that moment just as shiny and bright, I couldn't help but cry. It was just a vase but I loved that vase and the hope I was feeling when I bought it.
I think that hope will come again. I'm not meant to be a waitress for life; I know that. And I am doing other things now, things that will hopefully build a scaffolding to future paid work. I've got a college degree and have always been praised for being "a smart girl." And not just from my mother, though she led the chorus. There is more waiting for me out there once I get past the rough patch right now - in fact things are already getting busier and I think (!!) that they might be better soon. But still, right now in this moment I don't feel like I did when I was right out of school, a job under my belt, traveling in Europe. And looking at the pieces of that vase made me feel for that moment the chasm separating when I felt then and how I feel now.
A short film
I worked on a short film last year that is just about ready to be sent to festivals and then to be available to buy. I don't want to give anything away, but I think the plot is thoughtful and somewhat controversial, and I'm hoping that it makes people want to talk about it. I'm really excited about it getting out there and I think it will do really well. It's called "The Empty Playground." If anyone is curious about it you can check out a trailer for it here :
http://vimeo.com/8495068
Let me know what you think!
http://vimeo.com/8495068
Let me know what you think!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
So cute!
I worry that I'm going to be one of those parents that just shows everyone pictures of their kids and is constantly cooing about how cute they are. I think it's a legitimate concern.
This was cuter in person. She looks slightly evil as she rests on her sister and glowers at the camera.
This was cuter in person. She looks slightly evil as she rests on her sister and glowers at the camera.
Hmmm.
Surprisingly, my brilliant plan of working nights to leave my days open for job hunting and other things isn't going quite as well as planned. I overlooked one small detail - sleep. Understandable oversight. I have been coming home from work early, early in the morning and then spending (wasting) another hour or so online before passing out. Then I wake up just in time to dash off back to work, food time optional. Rinse, repeat. Yesterday it was shower or eat, so I showered. Apparently I fear judgement more than I fear hunger. Since I work 10 hour shifts generally and transportation eats another 2 hours (it sounds like a lot but it seems like it takes me an hour to get anywhere in NYC, no matter the borough), I really don't have a lot of time to do much else on days I work. And the day after I worked I'm recovering from it.
So. I'm going to need to start managing my time better. Or sleeping less. I'd love to only work 4 nights at the diner per week, so that I can actually use this job as planned - to pay the bills while I look for something in my field. Right now they have me at 5, and I'm a little nervous about 1 week in asking for less hours. However if I don't get my shit together and manage to use my days more productively, I'm going to have to.
So. I'm going to need to start managing my time better. Or sleeping less. I'd love to only work 4 nights at the diner per week, so that I can actually use this job as planned - to pay the bills while I look for something in my field. Right now they have me at 5, and I'm a little nervous about 1 week in asking for less hours. However if I don't get my shit together and manage to use my days more productively, I'm going to have to.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Musing
Is it weird I moisturized my boyfriend's hands while he slept? In my defense they are so dried out the skin is cracking...and they now smell delicious.
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