Saturday, September 13, 2014

Online Dating Shorthand

Ok. So I signed up for some online dating, since the only people I see regularly in my real life are coworkers and my cats. And occasionally friends, but they don't fit this particular narrative so whatever.  And there are some photos that just immediately raise red flags or at least, less alarmingly, kind of inform (cough:warn) me about the person they belong to.

Much like how homes described as "cozy" actually mean "tiny," or "charming" means "hasn't been updated in 20 years," I've come up with a little online dating pictorial cheat sheet below.  I'm sure I've missed some, but these are definitely a few of the repeat offenders.

Baseball caps = balding. It always means balding.

Selfies (exclusively or mainly) = No friends. Also creepy.

No pictures with a full face visible = married and cheating. Or a serial killer.

Multiple shirtless photos = Just wants sex.

Multiple shirtless selfies = Really just wants sex, and has a higher opinion of himself than he should.

Photos that look like head shots = They ARE head shots, and this person is a starving artist. Probably caters or bartends. (no judgment)

Brooding or scowling photos = Look how tough and serious I am. Hint: Super tough. Super serious. (BTW, will never ever agree to a date with someone who can't even manage to smile for one goddamned profile picture).

Black and White photos = Self diagnosed sensitive, artistic type. Probably works in an office doing accounting.   These are a good counterpoint to the in-color brooding photos.  Both types probably take themselves too seriously.

Florescent lit office selfies = REALLY has no friends. Socially awkward. I mean, are you even TRYING? This is why you're dating online.

All group shots or photos taken from very far away (i.e. standing on top of a mountain) = Low self esteem about his looks.  Or is just that fucking oblivious as to how online dating works. I AM SHALLOW! LET ME SEE YOUR FACE!

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